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Ruby Lord
Ruby Lord
May 20, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

ECHOES

This pen it is my weapon, I wield it as a sword,
This paper is a canvas, for words I’m certain to record.
This desk it has a purpose, to hold me in my place,
This day is unlike others, I no longer see your face?

My sadness grows provoking, and it pulls me from the light,
My happiness has left me lonely, as has my aging sight.
My fingers now they pain me when the morning birds they sing
My worry grows heavy, when the telephone won’t ring

My heart it beats much slower, and my rhythm’s lost a beat,
My ankles they are swollen, and my legs and are my feet.
My head has become muddled, and my face it wears a frown
And despite this dose of pity, I will turn my life around.

Because I may be older, and wearing clothes my granny wore,
I want to ask a favour that I hope you can’t ignore.
Your voice it summons memories, I feel them in my soul
Wrap me in your thoughts, your mind can make me whole?

— Ruby Lord, May 20, 2023

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'd like comments on the subject please, rhyme, rhythm and meter. My husband is still here, I'm not planning on getting rid of him anytime soon but I am writing this from the perspective of a widow/widower, not a soon to be murderer :) Also any opinions on the title would be great.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: Margaret Atwood is one of my favourite writers. Carol Ann Duffy, Philip Larkin, Ted Hughes, Wendy Cope and more.

More from this author

Critiques

neopoet

neopoet

1 month 1 week ago

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem "ECHOES" explores themes of aging, loss, and the search for connection. The structure is consistent, with quatrains and a clear rhyme scheme, lending a sense of order that contrasts with the speaker’s emotional turbulence.

Strengths: - The extended metaphor of writing as both weapon and solace is effective, grounding the emotional content in tangible imagery. - The poem’s progression from physical description ("My fingers now they pain me," "My ankles they are swollen") to emotional longing creates a layered portrait of the speaker’s experience. - The repetition of possessive pronouns ("My sadness," "My happiness," "My heart") reinforces the introspective tone and emphasizes the deeply personal nature of the poem.

Areas for Consideration: - The syntax is sometimes awkward, for example: "My ankles they are swollen, and my legs and are my feet." The phrase "and my legs and are my feet" is unclear and may be a typographical error or could be revised for clarity. - The use of question marks at the end of declarative sentences ("I no longer see your face?"; "your mind can make me whole?") is inconsistent with standard punctuation and may distract from the poem’s emotional impact. Consider whether these are meant to convey uncertainty or if standard punctuation would serve better. - Some lines rely on familiar expressions ("turn my life around," "wrap me in your thoughts"), which may lessen the originality of the imagery. Exploring more specific or unexpected language could deepen the poem’s impact. - The transition in the final stanza to a direct address ("I want to ask a favour...") is effective, but the request itself remains somewhat abstract. Clarifying what the speaker seeks from the addressee could heighten the emotional stakes.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys the weight of loneliness and the desire for connection in later life. Attention to clarity, punctuation, and specificity of imagery would further strengthen the work.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

3 years ago

I'm not convinced, I imagine

I'm not convinced, I imagine old iron arse is a hermaphrodite and is confused about his position on the internet and his place in the world. When he becomes concious, he's going to be really peed off, how do I work this tackle?
Take care Ruby :)

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

3 years ago

Hello, Ruby.

Hello, Ruby.
The only criticism is the abundance of pronouns,
I wonder if a pruning is in order?

(BTW, When did grannies and mothers stop wearing "pinnies"?
they were ubiquitous attire in my youth.)

Obi.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

3 years ago

Thanks Obi, I'll take another

Thanks Obi, I'll take another look :)

My mum wore and overall, she never called it a pinny. That was probably to do with the difference between her up bringing and where we lived, I don't know? But she had lots of different sayings for every day things, that I still use and have been quizzed about.

Thank you for your input, as always, it is very much appreciated. Ruby :)

John Leslie O'Kelley

John Leslie O'Kelley

3 years ago

I get this much...

I also thirst for someone, anyone just to talk to. I don't pretend to understand much, but
I understand loneliness, because I've been there and done that!

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

3 years ago

Thank you for reading my poem

Thank you for reading my poem and your kind comments. Yes, especially with the pandemic, I think a lot of people, those, like me, who are still shielding, feel the isolation more than ever. At least we have our poems to think about and dive into. Ruby :)

Tiffany Smith

Tiffany Smith

3 years ago

widower here

I felt that. Aging and being a widower myself I am feeling emotional about this. Its very good and it flows beautifully. Thank you for sharing this.