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Mar 25, 2021
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Green
Sour apple acid burns
scorn pathways into tongues
blades tickling exposed skin
in unkept fields of carouseling imagination
leaves blow in the wind;
painting abstract masterpieces in the sky.
The bitterness of granny smith
sweetened now,
warmly baked into scrumptious pies.
You’re going,
going,
gone
when in traffic
I switch on.
Silence turns to songs of calm,
Like crickets rubbing a contagion
Abrasive and inviting,
A warm persona
Screams;
Clothing the leprechauns
that guard the gold of my rainbow;
they’re only there for me.
My movie magic making films;
so tragically romantic.
Boiling hot this habanero
melts the iceberg
saves titanic.
and all this
made possible
by one color;
enter me.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Arrow
4 years 7 months ago
I am totally behind the concept
of a swirl of experiences around the color green. When I think about poems like this, I think the goal is to experience something as opposed to making a point. For me, the language is getting in the way of my experience - "scorn pathways into tongues." Because I can't understand this, it can't impact me. For me the most powerful verse is:
"The bitterness of granny smith
sweetened now,
warmly baked into scrumptious pies."
I can taste it, feel it, kind of nostalgically experience it (although my grandmother never baked a pie). But then I get to "Like crickets rubbing a contagion" and my experience is again blocked by my confusion. I'm not saying fill your poem with cliches about mom and apple pie but maybe make the language more accessible.
I think these stream of consciousness images can work powerfully. There was a poet here, Esker, who worked wonders with them. The language was simple but the images were startling. You might enjoy looking through his work.
Geezer
4 years 7 months ago
Mark and Arrow...
have made all the comments and given you the critique that I would have. Did you mean [Scored] instead of scorned? ~ Geezer.
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