I have a hole

I have a whole
angelina rodriguez
05/12/20 9:38

I have a whole
A place where my heart should be
I have a whole that is deeper than the black absence of the universe
There’s something missing
like a piece of me was taken away hidden and destroyed
I feel empty and alone
Millions of people surrounding me
People willing to help
Yet again I chose the same path of silence
The path that takes me back to making goodbyes
The path that leads me to endless nights of despair’
im taking a path by choice
Yet some how it feels as though I was dragged down it
My hands help by ropes and chains weighing me down making each step wishing it’s my last
My mouth taped shut and a bag covering my face, so no one sees me
Tears rolling down my face my screams louder in my ears…
My capture,
My capture being nothing less than a piece of dust, A distant infectious bug crawling through my mind
My capture nothing more that a black figure haunting me everywhere I go
I walk along the street desperate for people to hear my screams... for them only to see what he does..
He mimics and twist every word and emotion into a lie.
Which I so easily submit to in the fear if people knowing
My capture is the perfect image of myself
For I am the one who is trapping myself
I’m stuck in a body that makes choices I don’t have time to agree on
I’m fighting a war in my mind bigger than anyone has seen yet for no reason anyone would guess,
Each step is a person dying slowly losing people who could win.
How do you explain to someone you are fighting a war that they will never see that the image on the outside is a facade for people to be deceived…
this monster this virus that we have created in our own minds is with us everyday never letting us go, it courses through each movement we make making it feel as though each time we are getting stabbed.
Each time we take a breath in it is a million questions on why we must,
in the moments we feel most alone is when we have the most people to help us.
This is because they don’t understand no matter how hard you try no matter how much you read you will never understand the demon that haunts us every waking moment.
We are truly never alone because the monster that is in us is always with us.
The only comfort we know is this feeling, and this feeling is the one thing that is tearing us down.
It’s kind of messed up.
People ask us why we watch or read to so many sad things when were already sad,
the truth is
it’s the only thing we can relate too.
You ask one of us when the last time they were happy.
You realized we all have the same response; we go quite and have to think and when we find it…
we can describe in perfect detail because it is the only thing, we have to hold onto the pure of happiness that we felt.
Yes, we can be happy
but that demon that’s with us… it dims the happiness covering it all in darkness.
Image the sun, how big and bright it is, now imagine someone covering it will a blanket, you will barely see the light but that’s as much happiness as we can get
You ask one of us to name when we were happy the answer is either I can’t remember, or I don’t know
we say this because we can remember the happiest moment but it’s something so precious to us, we never dare to say
it in fear it will go away
and we will never feel it again.
We are people you would see on the street and think were normal but every moment of everyday even when you forget what has happened, we are fighting a battle against ourselves
not knowing which side is going to win,
not knowing what side we want to win.
A secret from us all that Is the bare truth that no one likes to speak is one that is the hardest to say.
we don’t want to win.
Or do we
Half the time we always say we hate this feeling,
we hate how we feel and everything and its very true but its are normal,
so, when we try and be happy it’s not normal for us
it like walking around naked at a nude beach, everyone else is used to it but you,
you’re the odd man out having to get used to is and being “comfortable in the uncomfortable”
so, there’s a whole.
Not just a simple word as it may seem
Ut the deepest meaning no one will ever know
Its were our monsters hide and our battles are fought on a day to day bases
We have a whole.
Even with you reading this its no where near able to explain the feeling we live with
But only a step closer to understanding.