lonlyhrtsclub13

Feb 24, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Evening Sky Sunku (FEBRUARY CONTEST)

Shooting stars
Meteor blast
The sky is alive

Peeking moon
Its many shapes
Illuminous wonder

Planets spin
Axis shift
Life interrupted

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison, Rudyard Kipling, Hermann Hesse, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Jack London, Stephen King, there are many more....

Comments

valene

8 years 1 month ago

What would Edgar or Jim make of this?

Hmmm, I wonder?

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

Not sure

Hoping they would like it. May be too simplistic for Edgar but Jim...this would be something he may think of

raj

8 years 1 month ago

Carrie I loved this Sunku.

Carrie I loved this Sunku. "Spinning" would have gone well as a beginning in S3 in the context of "Shooting" and "Peeking" which begin S1 & S2 respectively. Just my opinion...

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

Hi Raj

Glad you enjoyed this. Decided to try what I have learned in the months contest.

raj

8 years 1 month ago

Carrie

I think you have captured Facts, Romance & Impact on Seasons respectively in Stanzas 1, 2 & 3 precisely and effectively

keep serving more of such cookies...may be sweet, bitter sweet or dark chocolates. if I may call them that...

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

Thank you

It is so nice to receive such positive feedback and to be able to make simple changes to improve.

IRiz

8 years 1 month ago

I love the sound of your catastrophic Sunku!
You covered one more aspect of the form.
Its shortness here makes me feel as if you do not have time for the longer one.
It is a great write! Thank you.
Axis shifts perhaps?

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

So glad

You like this. I am enjoying Sunku as a form. I would love to write longer versions in same form but not sure if that is actually a thing or not.

IRiz

8 years 1 month ago

I thought about it and

I thought about it and decided that if you feel the images and thoughts are overwhelming and asking to be continued then YES.
The form exists to make you think and select only the best. It is travel light approach but if there is a necessary for your trip thing you have to take it. You know what I mean.

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

Yes

I know what you mean. We can go longer if needed and still stay in form. Will explore this when I am able to post tonight.

raj

8 years 1 month ago

Calling Attention

Hi Carrie
It struck me during re reading your Sunku that you have chosen "Solar" as a title when most of the elements in it are of night. Especially because this is part of your entry for the February Contest, you may want to change the title to something more appropriate which the judges will look at too. Remember today is the last date for submission just in case you want to make edits.

Few titles which come to my silly mind are....Universe...Skydome...Planetorium..

Best of luck

lonlyhrtsclub13

8 years 1 month ago

I thought

All elements listed were part of astronomy and the solar system. I will change it though and see.

raj

8 years 1 month ago

Yes..If you revise the title

Yes..If you revise the title to Solar System it would cover your Sunku,,,however in my opinion if you stick to just Solar it is likely to be perceived as related to Sun...for example..solar panels...solar cookers...solar batteries...etc.

raj

8 years 1 month ago

Good change in title ...if it

Good change in title ...if it was me i may have changed to Night instead of evening...anyways Evening Sky is also good...