Though I'm mentally exhausted I'll try. My critique needs tuning

Add me to the list of participants, I am at the moment very busy with a few problems so my critique will be delayed.
The poem was bad so I will need a little time to give a good comment.
Take care my Bru, Yours as always Ian.

I'll be back .... :)

BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI

This poem was to my mind written in a way where though the theme may have been good,
The author degraded the loss of so many people, and the incompetence of the designer, to a prosy type of write to make this tragedy into a rhyming, what I would term as childlike poetry. Even at my level of writing I would hope that I could write this better to mean something to the reader, where the people that lost their lives could be remembered with respect,
Yours Ian.T

Sorry I was back in 1880 and the critique was on that poet not one of our new writers, when I have time I will amend and write as I would for a new poet.
This one just annoyed me in his way of writing..
Had it been a newby my critique would have been much softer..
Yours Ian.

Firstly welcome to Neopoet, here we learn to write and our workshops are excellent, the critique you receive will aid your learning.
As we are hard in some critique please remember we are all learning
A great theme but the way you have written it is coming over as cold, the rhymes and play with words seems to have sidestepped the feelings of those left behind.
Try to feel the way they felt as their loved ones perished.
We don't have to be soft on the words but we are dealing with real people..
Take care when writing that you separate fact from fiction,
Not sure how old you are but the simplicity of some lines could do with a gentler approach, just keep writing.
Read some of the classics and modern poetry there you will find mostly the tops in poetic writing, but they had to start somewhere,
Yours Ian.T.

william..I tend to find the use of Tay
a tad repetitive old sport.
otherwise the rest is a remarkable
note of the great railroad malady!

THANK u!

Here's my critique of this:

The first thing to note is, Jess introduced this as "widely regarded as one of the worst poems of all time." Which already forces me to look at it uniquely. Which is unfair from the start, but not entirely avoidable in the real world.

The poem suffers from very poor use of rhyme to convey the story. It easily reminds me of some of my earlier work that still makes me cringe. The poet, in trying to rhyme, sacrifices the power of the narrative and ruins it as much as the storm ruined the bridge and train and men.

"Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time."

The train wreck begins in line two, which feels so out of spirit with what you'd expect from a tragic poem that it might inspire laughter. Lines three and four work well, but the poem dies again in the last line of the first verse.

Generally, the work, if it was done by someone known for excellent poetry, could pass as a parody of poetry. The fact that this isn't intended as a parody is quite unfortunate.

engineers...the constructors were ill in their logic of structure
until over time they got it straight
But...nature wins..eventually..
its supposed too...

We had a bridge collapse in Ontario
Nipigon....Loosened bolts and
something about the design
Modern world and a simple thing
like a bridge falls down

go figure....

guess they were Ill..

I think William...U mention the word
Tay...to stay stuck in peoples minds
My earlier comment on your
well structured work was that
U mentioned it too many times...
But funny....Your poem
stays very vivid in memory
the frequency of the repetition
so great!

thank U!

and Thank U Ian

!

that need to comment on the Tay Bridge Disaster poem, have I to remind you of a few things:-
The Grisly bear does not snap at the wolf.
The dingo does not snap at the Inland taipan
They treat each other with respect, and know that there is a place for everything to coexist.
This is going to have a good reply as all we have here is the Adder and wild cat to contend with but if the hat fits wear it with pride.
That's the end to this, good workshop it has produced a great response from a good cross section (cross being the underlying word)
Remember to love all you meet it may give you Brownie points for later, and know that I love you all if you are lonely,
Yours Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti..

alliteration is clunky, the assonance is off, everything about it reads like a List Poem while trying to be something else. It is bad.

Add me if you would be so kind.

I Did like the build/ killed rhyme. But far too many of the end line rhymes were repeated far too many times...................stan