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Apr 29, 2013
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Sunday Morning
Daffodils bursting butter yellow
From a warming poltice
Of last years leaves
A cross cut lawn
In ancient tartan
Kelley and lincoln green
Forsythia
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence
A lady rain mists
A gossamer veil
My spade rests
Patiently
Against the dormant locust
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ross Hamilton Hill
12 years 11 months ago
Forsythia fireworks-this
Forsythia fireworks-this alliteration is a bit obvious
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence- the alliteration of fence is much better, creates the rhythm
Dove grey sky-this tis he first line that seemed a bit cliched
I am content to watch
This soft warm moment-
Painted ethereally
For me alone-its always hard to end a poem on the right note, for me alone sounds like over dramatic romanticism. this warm soft moment is also a bit mills and boon cute. I like the previous S so much more with its concrete image of the locust, why not end it there, why feel you have to create a 'conclusion'
I liked the sonics throughout , 1, 2 and 4 stanzas, I really liked for their expression also, spot on.
kind regards
ross
Josephus
12 years 11 months ago
Ross, thanks for this, very
Ross, thanks for this, very instructive. Much appreciated.
Joe