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Feb 14, 2013
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Untitled
A ship upon my woman waters
I split to bear its weight on me.
It's vessel body sinks into
and I, like open ocean be.
Waves build,
crest,
crash,
against ships that idly pass.
I fold into
I drowned within,
make claim upon the sailor's sins.
Those strong bodied monstrosities disrupting every inch of me,
just sail on through my stormy seas
as I, like open ocean be.
— S.G. Blue, Feb 14, 2013
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About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Critiques
weirdelf
13 years 3 months ago
Choose a title, it is important.
The rest is fairly incoherent.
S.G. Blue
13 years 3 months ago
When I have a title I will do
When I have a title I will do just that.
As for it being incoherent - no it's not.
Cheers.
weirdelf
13 years 3 months ago
Maybe it's not,
but I didn't get it. Often I don't.
Nonetheless the images and ideas don't tie together. What's the word? Incoherent.
Kailashana2
13 years 3 months ago
Hi SG, I have to agree with
Hi SG, I have to agree with Jess to a point.
I like the repetition of the penultimate line. However, much of the rest of it is cliche, imo. Weave the poem a bit tighter, and I don't think it will be.
As far as the title--titles are important, that's what creates the attention to a poet's poem. Very few folks read *untitled*, why should they? If the poet is that unconcerned with his/her poem to submit it with a title, then..........................
p.s. I have been guilty of using untitled.... but it's always a selection of poems...a theme.