I Am Not

I am not anymore
cute and smiley
that's the least of it
the rest may be too gruesome to tell

I'll tell it anyway

a disjointed
and disappointing
tale of social and cultural deafness

I did whatever I wanted
whenever
without counsel
of elders of peers

rejecting appeals to "think about what you are doing"
I chose rather, to meditate on being "stuck in the Now"
no five year plan,
no what if's
no backups
or net

these few silly and pointless words serve only as testimony
that I survived
...though not cute and smiley anymore