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Nov 11, 2012
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INCRedible don't not believe
You know Ian
they discovered a teen twosome
one a gal the other a guy
and gal wearing guy’s garb
and the guy was inside gals attire...
they sent them into a fire
and lo and behold
they came out hand in hand
having exchanged their natural stand ...
the guy became a gal
then she said why I should lag behind
she had a handle in her hand
and then the padre said
I damn care who is who
as long as one is with a handle
the other without one
so the turned over twins
still friendly
changed their positions
gal became a guy and vice versa
still in the same bed
go and see
so tell the lady doctor
to exchange with lada doctor
whom you alone can bully
not me..
— loved, Nov 11, 2012
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
BettyBuff
13 years 7 months ago
Can't get past the double negative...'don't not...'
Vice versa, swopping about...trying to get it. I read your work, but don't always want to comment as I've no idea where it's going, but I respect your right to express yourself! An enigma wrapped in a conundrum. What's a 'lada' doctor?
'Betty'
loved
13 years 6 months ago
you have a friend in Jess
I shall take care
yet don't declare
that I will always
follow you
and that's true...
weirdelf
13 years 6 months ago
Dear Loved
I think you wrote this with compassion abut gender orientation, and I really dig the dark elements. You have succeeded in making a statement about the ignorance prevalent in the issue. Yet I agree with Ellie that the writing doesn't carry the full message.
Here is a very unusual suggestion from me. Try writing it in prose. I have noticed in recent comments of yours that you can be quite lucid, without trying to 'make poetry".
What do you think?
loved
13 years 6 months ago
hello Jess... I do first write in prose
then try to make it rosier
by saying its poetry ..
else ,
I shall be denied the benefit of f your sweet suggestions
and
may be obliged to leave this site ,
I shall,
if that be the intention
please get more guys
to contribute or vote
so that I don't only cast out
on one a single quote
yours Jess
SORRY
till you get unanimity